Our first power couple is on the clock.
That’s right. Gone is the nomenclature of seasons past on Big Brother. Instead of Heads of Household, we have power couples because this season’s BB game is all about the showmance.
Or love. Or Valentine’s Day. Or reconciliation. Or bitching.
Yeah, that’s right. In true Jen Johnson fashion, a Big Brother (’Til Death Do You Part) houseguest threw a fit on the very first episode.
But I want to take a couple steps back for those who didn’t get a chance to watch or DVR the first episode on Tuesday night. This season’s Big Brother game, the first winter season in American show history, will be played by couples.
Couples bunk together. Play together. Scheme together. Evict together and go home together.
The exact nature of the season’s length relative to how the game will be played is not known. Executives have said BB9 (is that what we call it, or is it that other ’til-death name?) will be a full season, but any of us who can do basic math realize that eight couples and seven evictions only equal 56 days.
Let’s not dwell on that because if you missed the first episode, you missed a ton. We need to play catch-up.
First and foremost, Parker and Jen comprises Big Brother’s first power couple, and they will single-handedly evict another couple Wednesday night. It’s their pick. No vote. Just “gotta go.”
Incidentally, it looks like the CBS show schedule will be Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday this season, and I have to commend producers and schedulers for having the brass balls to go head to head with American Idol.
The odds-on favorite for first-to-be-evicted honors goes to public relations manager Adam and 45-year-old Sheila. Unless Sheila gets evicted on the spot come Wednesday, we’ll likely be hearing more about her because, at one time, she was a Penthouse Pet.
You know Penthouse, right? The magazine you kept in the hiding place even after Mom caught you with the “tasteful” Playboy?
Anyway, each woman in the house was matched up with the man closest to being their soulmate as determined by a series of personality tests and love-match forms. In one case, a dude was matched up with a dude (it’s OK, they’re both gay ;-)) — and in another case, a real-life boyfriend and girlfriend were matched with people other than themselves.
Both from Columbus, Ohio, Ryan and Jen (Jen of aforementioned power couple fame) have been living together for seven months. Big Brother has tasked them with shutting the hell up about this, much like America’s Player had to do last season.
Get discovered, and risk eviction.
You would think Big Brother could be kind and pair these kids up, to make it easy on them given that they have to sleep together, vote together, scheme together, etc. Ha!
Heck, no. Jen was matched up with a paparazzo videographer, and Ryan got matched up with a Boston-area gambling addict named Allison.
This wasn’t the only love twist, however. Sharon and Jacob were matched up as Big Brother soulmates, and they just happened to be a former couple. Jacob’s a young patriot, having gone off to serve the Red, White and Blue overseas.
However, young Jacob has a problem. He’s a cheater — and Sharon has just a tad bit of a hard time dealing with that and dealing with the fact that her Big Brother life is in his hands. They’re a couple again, like it or not.
Oh, and as for the Jen Johnson reunion tour first-night hissy fit?
That would have come from Sheila, our former Penthouse Pet, who objected to Adam not being tall, dark and handsome enough for her. And he smokes. And he calls her “ma.” And he sort of looks like an alien, albeit a friendly alien.
She whined and cried and took a compliment from Crazy James, a free-spirited homeless guy who’s been paired with the nose-ring wearing Chelsia. Cute young woman, no doubt. But Crazy James, as he likes to be called, referred to Sheila as hot, and that stroked her ego some.
My personal award for cutest young thing goes to our fair Natalie, the bikini barista, who believes in bikinis, coffee, bodies and God. Oh, and she clearly believes in silicone. Booyah!
In a twist of devilish humor (at least I thought it was funny), Natalie has been paired with a caricature straight out of Good Will Hunting in roofing foreman Matt. He brags about his biceps and is completely unable to enunciate anything ending in “ar.”
I drive a cah.
I work at a bah.
But this couple might just go fah. Why? They’re cocky as heck, and they performed well enough in the initial power couple competition to survive this first cut. One of the aspects of Big Brother I’ve never agreed with strategically is that he or she who fails first in the initial competition is typically targeted for eviction first in the name of fairness.
Why the power couple wouldn’t target a couple who is formidable is beyond me, and perhaps they will. For the initial power couple competition, Big Brother asked these couples to hang on to each other suspended in air until the last couple dropped. There was a money-laced incentive as part of the competition, but in the end, Parker and Jen used some quick negotiation with Natalie and Matt to win the first power couple designation.
So, it looks like our barista with the beautiful bosom and her big-bicepped boy-toy will be safe during tomorrow’s eviction. Of course, considering Jen is Ryan’s boyfriend in real life, one would have to surmise that she’ll do what she can to keep him in the house, even though Parker already has his eyes on eliminating the guy.
Tension. Tension.
But my gut instincts tell me this elimination is easy. The houseguests want to rid themselves of any negative energy as soon as possible, and Adam and Sheila not only failed the power couple competition first, they’re as compatible as Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell.
On one hand, it makes me want to see them stay. On the other, I know deep within my sould that I already loathe this Sheila person. Loathe.
However, enough of my rambling. What the heck do my BB friends think? If you haven’t signed up for the feeds, do what you need to do. I’ll keep you as updated with clips as humanly possible while maintaining some sanity and a day job — and I’ll see you right back here Wednesday night after the first eviction.
